slipstreaming my anachronistic surreal consciousness - sharing with you my multiple epiphanies that were spawned while sitting on my porcelain throne (these are the ones I didn't flush) "don't believe everything you think…"
Thursday, April 08, 2004
in an unguarded moment…
I think it best to start this of with a disclaimer… for if you know not who I am, this is not how I tend to be… this is a very rare moment… but I’d like to share it…
Keeping myself busy helps prevent me to thoughts like these… but, I am like everyone else… I’m not immune to emotions… I do my best to stay positive… I try… but, there are times when I fail… and so, I guess I had it coming… but, it’s most likely because of fatigue… a melancholic epiphany…
have you felt this? am I alone at this? for no reason, I felt something in my heart… it’s a heavy feeling and I start to feel my own heart beating… I know that this feeling will pass, it always does… I don’t like this feeling… I just want it to go away…
but, I have no one to help me… this is something I have to endure on my own… and, I know, it’s all because of that fact… I’m alone… I have no one else to help me on this… as a matter of fact, no one’s ever helped me on this…
so, on my own… I try to find the strength to endure this feeling and hope that it goes away immediately…
no one knows that keeping the smile on my face isn’t effortless… there are times when it gets difficult and gravity can take it away…
I start to feel my own heartbeat echo throughout my entire body… like the sound of the loudest drum… each beat makes me quiver…
I want to tear my heart out… I want to hold it up high… I want to feel the beats slow down and fade as I wring out my blood… I want to shower in my blood and feel how warm it is… I want my blood to flow from me and spread to the pavement… I want to feel it as it turns cold and starts to thicken… I want to watch my blood turn from red to brown to black… I want it to stain the earth… I want it to dry on my skin and to crust away…
no, I’m not a masochist… no, I’m not suicidal… I don’t want to die… I just want to know why… what’s this feeling all about…
my eyes get watery… and near to a tear… but, even when alone… I try not to cry…
tick-tock… I’m suffering from aging… I stare at myself and watch my wrinkles spread… my time will come… but, it feels so unfair… will I remain alone? I tell myself it’s okay…
but, I want to feel loved… I don’t think I ever felt that… and, I want to share my love again… damned Tennyson… yeah, “tis better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all…” but then what? I’m still lost… what now? oh well… this feeling will pass…
…and… I’ll still be alone…
